The Parts No One Prepares You For

I knew day 14 was inevitably going to show up on my calendar, but I definitely had denial over losing my hair. The weekend prior, I had toyed around with the idea of shaving my head before the chemotherapy got to make that decision for me. However, the time never felt right and I didn't want to rush a process that was eventually going to happen.

So, two days ago, day 14 arrived. Each morning leading up to that got my anxiety up a little higher. I would go to brush my hair and fervently check my brush to see if there were any clumps. There never were.

At least not until a little after 9am on Friday. I was in a meeting with my team, and happened to look down at my ugly Christmas sweater to find a few stray hairs (nothing atypical). I jokingly said, "Maybe this is as bad as it's going to get! It is day 14 after all!" Not less than 10 minutes later I casually ran my fingers through my hair, only to have around 15 strands come out at once. I froze. And then think I said something like, "Ok, here we go. This is not just normal shedding, right? It's happening?" I looked around at the rest of my teammates, whose faces were a mix of sadness, shock, disbelief, and deer in headlights. I honestly was so sad they had to witness the entire thing because it was about as real and raw as you can get.

And then I cried. Because no one prepares for this moment. My dear friend Jennifer did exactly what I needed in that moment; she just reached over and held me in the biggest embrace and cried with me.    No words...she just held me. And it brings tears to my eyes right now even thinking about it. I sure do love her big!

I eventually pulled myself together, but was terrified to touch my hair for the next little bit. "What if clumps come out?" I remember thinking. I did not want to walk around with a bald spot! A little while later I ran my fingers through my hair again, and continued to get several strands at a time. It was so unnerving because, like I said, no one can prepare you for this moment.

I went up to the front office to tell two other friends about what had happened. One of them said, "I'll just shave my head with you!" to which I paused and then replied, "Please don't do that!" 😂 I'm so happy to find some humor in the not so great situations.

My second oncology appointment was that afternoon, and during chemo more strands continued to come out. My other friend Jennifer went to chemo with me, and she kept asking if I was going to shave my head. Her reasons were it was going to fall out anyways, and I may as well take control of the situation. Plus, why put something off if it was going to happen regardless? I was still not quite ready to go through with it, until I finally realized I did not want to wake up on Saturday morning with a pillow full of hair.

Jeff was on his way to go pick Reid up at a friend's house, and I went over to him in the car and said we were going to shave my head. I asked him if he wanted to be a part of it, and he said he did. So we waited until he got home, took some time deciding which blade we needed to put on the clippers, and got to work. Lincoln had fallen asleep by this point, but Reid was with us in the bathroom. Jennifer was a godsend and stayed to document everything and provide tons of moral support. But seriously you all...no one can prepare you for this moment. Prior to putting the clippers to my head, I just took the deepest breath and thought to myself, "Here we go. Jesus doesn't care about your hair, he cares about getting you healthy. This is just a crappy step in the process."

So Jeff started. And the fact he was willing to cut his wife's hair might be my favorite moment of our marriage so far. You all - that is love! Seriously! He has been beside me every step of this journey, and I will never be able to fully express how much his words and actions have meant to me over the last two months. He is a rockstar.

I am willing to be human and disclose my insecurities vulnerably (thanks, @the.holistic.psychologist on Instagram for that line, by the way!). As much as it pains me to post the shearing of my hair, I promised to be authentic and real from the beginning. So here it goes ☺️

Definitely a forced smile of, "WTF is happening?"

No turning back now!

This is my favorite picture; I love how we're both smiling!

No words for this one...I think the look on my face says enough.

Almost finished!

Getting the last little bit

Holding all my hair. It was definitely a bittersweet moment.
Also, for some reason the part of my hair was is much darker than the rest of my head!

Doing some touch ups.

Something I never thought I would have to see in the mirror.
Yet, here we are.

Guys, it's ok to look at these pictures and feel uncomfortable. I promise. I'm still dealing with the shock factor of everything. I mean, I'm the only female in my family and my hair is now the shortest! I'm only posting these because, perhaps, one day I will look back on these and realize how far I've come. That's my hope at least.

Today, I was able to take a shower since my second dose of Neulasta had been administered. That was another moment no one can prepare you for.

No one prepares you for only needing half a pump of shampoo instead of three.
No one prepares you for only needing one towel to dry off with instead of two.
No one prepares you for cleaning your hairspray, dry shampoo, and root touch up off your vanity.
No one prepares you for putting your brush to the back of your drawer because you're not going to need it any time soon.
No one prepares you for putting your blow dryer, straightener, and curling iron in the back of your cabinet.
No one tells you that headbands and clips won't be needed when you put your makeup on.

It's all so surreal. Truthfully. I know my hair will eventually grow back, but it's still so weird to know it's gone. Especially since I had worked so hard over the past several months to grow it out! 😆

But, as the quote at the beginning stated, I am ready to change my life, beat the hell out of this cancer, and look back in a few years and see this as an unexpected chapter of my story. Hair doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, but my health sure does.