2020 Vision

This is not going to start out as an uplifting, positive, "I am going to beat this" post. I promised to keep it real from the beginning, and that's exactly what I plan to do. I also fully intend to just word vomit all my current thoughts, so thank you in advance for attempting to string these thoughts all together into some kind of coherence.

I am frustrated right now. Highly freaking frustrated. My mom said round 3 was the worst for her, and I completely understand why. Round 1 was new and I had no expectations. Round 2 coincided with Christmas and a trip to Hilton Head. Round 3 has me back to reality and the beginning of a new year, yet I'm still neck-deep in Christmas decorations, a list of thank you notes to write that still haven't happened, laundry from vacation, and I. am. exhausted.

Do you know what I want to do? I want to make dinner for my family. I want to go to my boys' basketball games. I want to go to social events. I want to show up at work and feel like I can mentally put 100% into everything I'm doing, but it just isn't happening.

Instead, I have plans that get cancelled. I had every intention to go to Reid's basketball game this morning, but instead could hardly pull myself out of bed. I had every intention to take down decorations, but instead found myself waking up at 5pm after a 2 hour nap that I didn't even realize I had taken.

I know several people would say, "But Meagan! Quit being so hard on yourself! Your body is going through so much right now, and you need to be resting so you can beat this cancer." And I don't disagree, but that's not my point. My point is that cancer is a crappy mental mind game. I am a planner by nature and like my to do list where I can check off items to feel accomplished. Cancer instead allows me to create a checklist that continues to grow, but nothing gets checked off. This is why I'm frustrated.

I'm also frustrated because part of me wishes I absolutely looked awful. "But you don't even look like you're going through chemo! Your wig looks great!" I appreciate these comments - truly! I do. I've never needed compliments more than this season of life. They give me a little bit of hope that I'm not some scary alien walking around in society, but I think it's important to know that someone can "look" ok, but still feel insanely awful. I have a constant metallic taste in my mouth, I cannot taste anything sweet or salty, yet WATER of all things tastes like sugar. Plus, my digestion is all messed up and I can hardly move my right arm due to a weird pain that feels like my veins are clogged.

I just reread all my words so far and am ashamed of them. This also a struggle of mine. I feel bad for feeling frustrated! I have made so much progress in only two treatments...I have no room to complain. So many others with a cancer diagnosis have it FAR worse than I do. Several days of fatigue is so much better than being sick or stuck on the toilet at all hours of the day. Or worse, going through chemo and not having a response.

Blah. I'm sorry, guys. However, I also know I need to allow myself to sit with the negative emotions so they don't become bigger and overtake the positive ones. I still have a positive mindset and full faith I'm going to beat this! It's also important to know that cancer treatment is no joke and a lot of us are going through the motions and putting a smile on our faces because it's easier to lie about feeling great than being honest.

Sorry for all the negativity. I love you all! The next post will be more positive :)