Trust the Process

I like control. 

Control over my schedule. 
Control over my time.
Control over my decisions.

Cancer and chemo have completely stripped this away from me.

But God always appears when you need him the most, and last week's message at church completely spoke to my heart. I've linked the part that resonated with me above, but the following words hit home:
     "Some of you are in a resting process. You're ready to go, you're ready to run! But do you know what God is saying to you? 'Slow down! Sit down! Lay down!' And it's hard. But if you will trust Him in that resting process, He will work through that resting process. Because here's the thing I know about God. He finishes everything He starts."

It's hard for me to rest! If anything, I've had to unlearn a lot in the last seven weeks. My body needs rest...I'm not being lazy. I can't do the things I used to...that's not me dropping the ball. I miss things the boys are involved in...that doesn't make me a bad mom. 

But you all, these lessons have been so dang hard.

This past week completely threw me for a loop and had me on the couch in a daze from last Sunday evening until this Sunday afternoon. I ended up calling my doctor on Friday because I could not walk up a flight of stairs without my heart rate spiking into the 130s. Even at rest, my heart rate was still hovering around 100 when it usually is in the mid to upper 70s. I ended up going in for blood work Friday afternoon and was diagnosed with anemia and dehydration, so that resulted in me being sent over to the infusion center for fluids. Not at all how I expected to spend my afternoon/evening, but I'm thankful for trusting my intuition that something wasn't right.

I need to remember to trust the process. No one ever said this journey was going to be easy. I'm delusional to expect myself to keep up the same pace I did prior to my diagnosis. I'm also delusional to think life is going to stay completely normal and have the same expectations for myself that I did previously. And as mentioned before, lowering my expectations doesn't make me lazy. 

I need to trust the process that the chemo is doing its job. I will experience side effects. That doesn't make me weak. 

I had a friend share the following devotional with me a few weeks ago. It is so good and reminded me that rest is necessary in this season of life. 

Slow It Down

Everyone knows morning comes first, and then evening. Right? So I was surprised to read in Genesis 1:5 that the order was, in fact, reversed: “And there was evening, and there was morning.” God started with evening, a time of rest, and a day followed, in which he continued to create.

We live in a culture where we work all day, and then eventually we might take time to rest. To order our days the way God does—with rest as a priority—is a challenge.

I learned to prioritize God’s way when, at age 32, I was diagnosed with cancer. I told the doctor I didn’t have time for cancer, but cancer didn’t consult my schedule.

My life changed while going through treatment as I put aside activities that previously had seemed vital. Out of that difficult time came a new list of priorities. At the top of the list: to balance my life.

I learned to climb between the sheets and put aside my worries—to rest my body and mind. To slow down when life became crazy and assess what is important. I began to see evening as the first part of my day.

This concept changed my life, physically and spiritually. Recently I had two speaking events sandwiched together. As the dates approached, time with my heavenly Father became “evening.” In preparation for my events, I listened to the heart of my Father instead of going over my notes. Out of that rest sprang fruitful ministry during the day.

Learning to live with evening, or rest, as a top priority is an ongoing process. Many times I ask God to help me reprioritize, make time for physical rest and put “evening” back where it belongs.

By T. Suzanne Elle

We all have our own battles we're fighting. My prayer for you is that you trust the process no matter how hard it may be.